Friday, November 09, 2007

Bittersweet Days

If you are a Chocolate lover, like me, then I’m sure that you have sampled your share of everything from those rich, creamy, sweet European delights; you know the kind I mean, those white and milk chocolates in fancy shapes like sea shells that you can only afford to buy on the 75% off after Christmas sales, to those semi sweet to very tart dark chocolates that can be as much as 80% Cacao.

Well, Forrest Gump’s mama was certainly right; sometimes life is like that box of chocolates. It can be rich and sweet one minute and bittersweet the next. A few days ago I posted about how blessed my life is at present. While that is all very true, there is some bittersweet mixed into these days as well. It is hard for me to have things going well without getting caught up reflecting on the not so well times in the very recent past.

Yesterday, was one of those blue days when the past and the present where destined to collide in a bone mashing head butt. November Fifth is the anniversary date of my first husband Tim’s birthday. Actually, to be truly honest, the whole of last week had reoccurring moments of bittersweet walks down memory lane. One of Tim’s brothers was born on Halloween day and another on Nov. 1st. So every year I would host a birthday dinner for the three of them during that week. Birthdays were not celebrated in their family until I came along and started making the usual Knight fuss over the occasions; so each year the three brothers took on a childlike quality with the anticipation of what surprises I would spring at their party. It meant so much to them that I was continually trying to top the year before, and I am not sure who enjoyed it the most, me or them. All three of them are now gone, two passing within a few weeks of each other as if they had planned being together in death the same way they were together in life.

My life could not be more perfect right now, but, this time of year holds so many memories that I find myself thinking a lot about my deceased husband and his brothers and find myself missing my three Musketeers. While I would not want to change anything about my current life I do regret that it took so much sickness, suffering and even death to place me on the road that lead me to this wonderful new life. How can someone be so happy and so sad all at once? How do I move forward without feeling guilty over the past? How do I keep the past from sneaking in and adding discord or embarrassment to the present? How do I keep my ghost from coming between me and my wonderfully understanding Frank?

It seems that time is the only answer to all those questions. With time all things will be as they should be.

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